Banned From the Pages of the MuddrakerTo the editor:
I must honestly admit that in the past I had found most of your letters to the editor to be a bit on the fictitious side. My cynicism, however, was dispelled last week when the most unbelievable thing happened to me at the library. I was quietly working at a table when the most beautiful girl silently approached and took the seat directly across from me. Normally I would have suspected something, but the library was quite crowded that night and I had noticed her pass by once our twice looking for a place to sit. What was to happen next can only be described as phenomenal.
She coyly removed her coat and started to make herself comfortable. As I started to return to my work I was drawn away by the unmistakable sound of a zipper. Eagerly I looked up and thought I saw a flash of pink as she removed a book from her backpack. I felt my blood start to stir as the color flashed through my mind. Thoughts of another all-nighter quickly forced my attention back to the work in front of me. At the end of every problem I glanced up under the pretense of checking to see what time it was. The first time I did this, I noticed her head turn quickly from me to the work before her. It was not until the third time that I tried my clock ploy that I suddenly realized that all the time she had been staring at my bulging H&R, (which in all modesty I must admit is over 10-inches long and quite thick: truly an awesome sight). The next time I looked up, having finished the problem set, I immediately trained my eyes on her face. She quickly realized I had discovered the source of her longing. She feigned a blush and started to collect her things as if to leave, but she was able to discard her inhibitions and started to converse.
I learned that her name was "Sappho" (not her real name) and that she was taking physics at Pomona. She admitted that she had been staring at my unusually large book and stated that she wished to examine it more closely in order to work out a problem that had been troubling her for some time. Eagerly I agreed and volunteered to help her with her problem. She reached for her backpack and began to unzip it. This time, though, her movements were slow and sensuous. She exposed to my view the bright pink notebook in its full glory. I now understood how my previous glimpses were able to unleash such passion as I once again began to be won over by this object. She invitingly opened the notebook to the middle and showed me her problem. It was a simple problem of harmonic oscillation and frictional forces.
I reached to my pocket and whipped out my mechanical pencil, and with a few quick pushes on the base the hard lead emerged triumphantly from the tip of the pencil. I leaned over the table, but then I hesitated before writing anything down. Sensing the reason for my hesitation, she injected that she had brought along her eraser and told me there was no need to worry about making a mistake. Without further ado I began making fierce strokes of the pencil on the waiting pages of her notebook. My strong and meaningful strokes translated my abstract understanding of her problem to the physical realization she had hoped for. As I reached the conclusion of the problem my strokes became quicker and I saw the expression of delight fill her face. When I finished she let out a sigh of exhaustion and thanked me for all I had done. She leaned back and explained she got a lot more out of doing it this way with me than when she worked on it by herself
Seeing that I too was pleased, she told me she had another problem and asked if I would like to help some more. Needless to say I agreed. Sappho explained that this problem was solved in the back of her book, but when she tried to work the problem backwards by herself she got nowhere. I flipped over the notebook and began work on the fresh page. This problem was a little tougher. I began slowly to make sure she followed my meaning. Slowly the problem became less sticky and progress was made more steadily. Again I watched her face for signs, so as not to rush ahead and leave her behind, but her face told the whole story as she smiled with approval. With the solution she gently folded up her notebook and returned it to her backpack. She thanked me and said she would like to do this again sometime. Since that day I have helped Sappho many times with her physics, yet that first time will always stick out in my mind.
Name and Address Withheld